Paola Martinenghi - eternal next project

I don’t believe in failure. That’s all that stayed with me of everything she said during a walk at the Flower’s Market in London on a Sunday morning. And since then, I wanted to talk more to her.

I wanted to bring her point of view on life and work to you. I felt we are similar, yet she got to a place I am still looking for within myself.

Talking to Paola made me realise for the first time why certain women, who would deserve a bigger platform, a larger voice, a bigger responsibility, a higher position… never make the headlines. Now I know. The world ignores certain women because these women are busy with way more important things than the sparkly things that interest the world. 
Of the many things women are told to do, by woke women in particular, is that thing of taking selfish decisions… to hell the expectations, to hell family relations, ditch whatever doesn’t serve you. So Paola’s story … touched me profoundly because she carries that exquisite quality of a woman, that is the strength to care deeply. Of all the list of should’ve beens she chose to be Paola, rising from the ground and lifting her mother, her friends, her family up with her.

You told me you don’t believe in failure. I’d love for you to tell me how you got to a point where you don’t believe in something that our society fears like plague. 

I don’t believe in failure because I live with a mantra in my head, that is “who said it?” So first, who said that’s failure? And second, who said that something can or cannot be done? The majority takes the result that you set for yourself as a yardstick… but I don’t think in that way, to me it's the process that takes you there, that makes me understand if a project is worth pursuing until my envisioned end. When the result gets closer, I’m already turning the page, changing the story. 

Before forming this mantra in your head and living by it, who was Paola?

So many times I’ve followed the prewritten process: to get here, you need to do this, pass through here, turn there, etc. And I saw and felt on my skin that although I followed the process by the book, I did it well, disciplined and within the right time frame, unfortunately things happen in the world that you cannot control.

For example, the last downfall I had in my professional life, when a long lasting partnership came to an end, I had a choice. Had I chosen to look at this as a failure, even though the job was taking a heavy toll on my life at that point, I could’ve gone to therapy for a couple of years to recover from this trauma. Or … I could look at this from another perspective and thus be grateful for the 7 years of work relationship that allowed me also to become who I am today.
I mean finally I got to a point where I could put my peacefulness first, I can’t deny the fact that I evolved in that job as a person.
So I could’ve allowed that moment to crush me, but it’s not in my style. It was two and a half years ago, that's when I realized a switch in my character. However nobody has ever asked me this question, so I haven’t prepared a thought. It arrived. And it’s coherent. I like it.

Paola, I know you are someone who has her hands in different doughs (I love this imagery). And I too, am someone who has a papyrus of work experiences the most diverse. However, now I’m beginning to feel that there is something I want to do, a new idea has formed in my mind, wanting to be born and potentially live for a long time… I feel the same excitement/fear of when the idea of IN HER GENIUS first formed in my head: so juicy, so beautiful and so meaningful, diverse and exciting enough to keep me going for a while. Nonetheless the fear is there, and I can’t help but wonder, what if it won’t work? What if I get bored of it? It’s beautiful to start things, but it’s also terrible when they don’t take off. Does it ever happen to you? How do you adjust to that?

I accepted the fact that I am condemned to the eternal next project.
I accepted it. I mean, I know it… it always happened and always will happen. It’s something that happens in my professional life, never in my private sphere. 

I find it so exciting the moment I get an idea. I feel a sizzle in my body and am like, woah something is coming! So I stop and tell myself ‘I embrace it.’ I feel excited about receiving this idea and I set myself to find a way to find a way to make someone else fall in love with it so that the project goes on. It excites me and moves me to give life to an idea, but I’m not scared of the possibility it might not work because I learned that oftentimes it wasn’t the right time. Perhaps my time was right, but it wasn’t the right time for the world. I don’t want to sound megalomaniac, but what I mean is sometimes we get ideas that others don’t understand because they aren’t ready to receive.

So I don’t blame myself, I say it’s not the right moment.

This is the justification that I give to myself. I have one only goal in life, that is to preserve myself and love myself thus I am very good to myself. That’s my foundation in life. When it doesn’t work and I know I did my best, I pat myself on the back and I congratulate myself for having tried. If it’s because I know I didn’t give my 100% I admit it wasn’t good for me and I don’t pat myself on the back. 

Like you, I have a project that is very dear to me, the aprons. Even mentioning them I start to smile. It’s my next project, it’s my baby. This project encapsulates everything I was and that I am: designer, chef, woman, sensitive, next project, something different, innovative. I’m working on it a lot, at my own pace, as a businesswoman who doesn’t just want to launch something for the sake of launching it… I want to launch it once I make sure that this creature will be born on solid and concrete ground. I don’t want to launch anymore ideas to others, this one I keep for myself and give it the right base to grow because I know it’s going to be a good one. I know it’s going to be the right one. I feel it. And if it’s not the right one, I couldn’t care less. I want to see this creature manifest from the idea that I have. I want to give it to the world and then I’m sure I will be satisfied nonetheless. 

So I understand what you’re saying but I got my survival tactic. I’m not going to stop only because it didn’t work within the timeframe someone else set. 

Tell me your idea of timeframe… 

Yes. I always think of motherhood: it’s not you who decides when to become a mom. There isn’t really a timeframe, and I think it’s wrong to give a timeframe to things. Focusing on time is limiting… There are projects that require time because they need to be understood, they need to be nourished. Then there are projects that are immediate by design.

The concept of time… shall be learned. Take the time, be patient, sit down… be. To be. To learn to be it’s something I am starting to focus on. So I like to think that my project will take time and it won’t be immediate because it’s like those beautiful love stories that last a lifetime, it isn’t at all a quickie. 

When did you start to work? What was your first job and when? 

OK think this: I had my first business card at 13. I always loved the idea to create something so when I was 13 years old I decided to be an entertainer/host for children’s parties. I always wanted to have a label and present myself professionally. I started as an entertainer, then I made cakes for children’s parties, next I started tutoring, always very professionally. I took every job seriously from the start.
Because I started so young, I was never afraid of change and of what I could be at a professional level, and having always found interesting what came next… perhaps it made me who I am today in business, meaning I am not afraid to switch careers. 

As for me now, I embraced the fact that I can wear the chef’s suit and present the latest Electrolux’ gadget in front of 3500 people, then go give a consultancy to a lodge in Courmayeur about where and how to better place the chandelier with deer’s antlers. I love my versatility; I love my fluctuating identity. But beware, my fluctuation is not random, it’s a very defined contrail, similar to the northern lights.

Yes, you’re fluctuating not because you’re lost and unable to decide what to do so you do thousands of things. No, you live a fluctuating professional life by choice… because you can.

I realised that I don’t care anymore about having a label on my forehead because I find it too limiting. ‘What are you? What do you do?’ I mean the answer to such a question always puts me in the difficult position of not knowing where to start. How do I tell you what do I do? So depending on who’s asking, I give a different answer. ‘What do you do in your life?’ I never give the same answer, because it’s never the same. 

I think that part of the reason why you are so comfortable with change today, is because when you started to work at 13 there was a limit on what you could do at that age and as you grew up, that limit naturally expanded and you naturally changed. At 13 you were doing this, at 16 you could do that, and at 20 you could do even more.

Yes, the horizon broadened. 

Perhaps this is a perspective that still lacks in our culture in the way that we frame possibilities for people. And also viewed in this way, change is natural to our being…
I also think that when we’re young there is a huge difference between the age of 13 and the age of 14, for example, but when we are grown ups nobody notices the difference between the age of 34 and 35 whereas you could be literally different people. Yet you are expected to be the same, and do the same thing from a certain age onwards till you retire and die. On the contrary: as we age, as we grow, the horizon opens up like a fan. 

And then you end up in the paradox of choice, where suffering occurs. When you know you can do anything… and I’ve been judged bad for this, I had people remark me things like ‘for you everything comes easy, for you everything is possible.’ Well, I am firmly convinced of this. More than firmly, if only there was a better way to describe how firmly I believe in this thing.

I am convinced that what you want, you can achieve. Within the limits obviously, I mean if I wanted to be taller I can’t so I must accept my height, see I don’t believe in physical miracles. But if today I wanted to become a researcher and go to Antarctica to study the development of microorganisms… then yes, I can achieve that with commitment and hard work.

When I’m too comfortable, I’m uncomfortable. When I’m comfortable, I’m uncomfortable. So what’s next?

Everything is possible. One just needs to decide and commit.
I believe that when people don’t think anything is possible for them, it’s because they are yet to make a decision.
One of my absolute favourite quotes says, nothing happens until you decide.

I think one needs courage. And if one asks me how to think in this way, I say first you must forget about the results and second ditch people’s judgment. Because if that’s what you’re basing you next choice on, you’ll always be disappointed. Instead, if you look for it inside, you take the leap and you do it for yourself, you’ll find a meaning in this process. By looking for external approval and validation, it’s so fleeting that you risk not doing the thing you’re doing past the initial excitement. 

I mean, but how the fuck does one take a leap? …
By following something internal that no one else but you sees. That feeling you cannot explain the reason why but still there’s a reason you have to do it. Follow what you wish to be in two years. Don’t do it for others.

And this is the first time someone makes me reflect upon all this and it’s 100% coherent with who I am. 

So what parameters do you take into consideration to assess that your job or your business is doing well? 

Many times I thought of enrolling into the Bocconi University to do a Master in Business Management of medium/small companies, so I would slam in my face the data. I would learn about all the graphs and the curves of revenues, and see how numbers speak. But… I’ve always been a gut feeler, and maybe not looking at numbers got me to take bold decisions that until now have paid off. Trusting my gut feeling has also allowed me to be free in my mind and in taking the decisions.

Nonetheless, we’ve reached a point in the Il Ferrivendolo business where we need to look at numbers …
You know my father has always told me, children are not yours, you give them life but they belong to the world and need to let them go where they want to go. So I want to view it in this way, it would be easy to quit my business now because it doesn’t give me a gut feeling anymore. Il Ferrivendolo is not working on gut feeling solely, anymore.. so it would be easy to quit. Instead, I want to be here the moment he (Il Ferrivendolo) goes to college and I’m at home. It’s the next phase and it’s right I don’t need to nourish it anymore at this level if I want it to grow. I’m very visual so the way I see Il Ferrivendolo is as my brother, because it’s the child of my mother. So I know that now my brother is going off to college and I know I’ve been a good sister. I know later he will need me, but now is right for him to learn from someone else. Thus we’re hiring external consultants who are more business oriented and add a straightforward administrative role. I’m at peace with myself knowing I don’t have to grow it any longer, my role changed to being the one who will always need to stimulate him to stay always curious. And I’m great at this! I’m not great at being an administrator. 

So, how do I evaluate whether something is going well or not… I visualize each project as a creature, thus like with every creature you can see the evolution it’s going through. I stay open to see how and when this evolution has down moments and high moments. Basically I evaluate in the moment and see where’s the next phase, where is it going? If I see the next phase, then I accept the down moment and do everything I can to take it to that next phase. You know when something works if by giving it what it needs, it gets to that next phase. 

So you have your own atelier, focusing on aprons

Yes.

You have your mom’s business, Il Ferrivendolo.

Yes.

And you’re still Chef Paola.

Yes.

Anything else?

Well, I had a project called ‘Chef Mentors’, which was going to be a platform focusing on food tout court where different experts in the culinary world from gastronomes, to coffee experts, to cheese tasters and so on, give cultural lessons to people. However I understood that in life there exists something called energy and we are given a certain amount of it. …

I do have a project idea regarding a cookery school whose focus is integration and I know it’s going to happen. But for now…

My focus is on Il Ferrivendolo because we’re 50/50 with my mom and it became a real challenge; on the other side, the aprons are my calling, they unite Chef Paola with Il Ferrivendolo. And lastly Chef Paola is my cooking brand, for cooking is my passion and the soul of my being. I cannot live without cooking. It’s like Il Ferrivendolo is the outer surface, Chef Paola the soul, and the word/the expression is the aprons. Everything is connected.

You’re showing so vividly how our creations are not just random creations. Our businesses - especially those most authentic - are a true expression and extension of who we are. We can create many different things because we are made of different pieces and parts. Maybe some aren’t even just our own, maybe one part of us is but a fusion with a part of our mother, or grandmother… and how beautiful it is to manifest it into the world for others to witness, and even for us to witness our own inner world. 

It’s paths. I think it’s a woman’s thing… I’m noticing it a lot in Women, like you, and who are in our age group between 27 and 43… they have an exigence to create something “more”. They have a primary instinct to create something “more”, I can’t even describe that “more”. They want to create, to give a sense and a form to something, to nourish something. 

It’s beautiful. And it must be cultivated. It must be expressed. It must be shared.

How is it working with your mother? And accepting that the business you run is not your own child but your brother…

Firstly, I wanna recommend a book that I’m reading by Bethany Webster ‘Discovering your inner mother.’ It’s absolutely fantastic. 

In regard to this I am on a journey with my therapist because it’s not easy to work with your mom when the roles are clearly reversed. Meaning, she is the one who needs me, she needs to listen to me. In the beginning, when the atmosphere heated up at the office I felt mortified. Then I decided and took a mental note to remember that at the office she is Alessandra, not my mother. It was an essential thing to do because I was feeling so bad answering badly “to my mom”. Whereas, if my business partner screws up and doesn’t act correctly, I call her in and scold her with an attitude from human to human, not from daughter to mother or mother to daughter. 

When people relate to her as “your mom”, I stop them on their tracks and correct them “that’s Alessandra”. These are important boundaries for me. She is way more emotional, more creative, more artist. On the other hand, for Il Ferrivendolo I became the firmer one, I’m the sister that makes you do your homework, and makes sure you’re on time for school. While your mom is singing in the kitchen making scrambled eggs for you, I am checking if you got everything for school in your backpack.

You have to know that my sister is the business partner of my father. Growing up I’ve always said I don’t want to be here in Vergiate (a village in the province of Varese, in Lombardy region). I didn’t want to end up living and working here. I had an international career as a chef that allowed me to travel, plus I had a long distance relationship that allowed me to travel. When I was working for ‘The Chef And The Dish’, my day was split between Il Ferrivendolo until 5PM then for ‘The Chef And The Dish’ until 2AM as well as on the weekends. So I was never really “here”. Half of myself was always elsewhere.

So this year I’m meditating on why I need that. Isn’t it time to upgrade? And for me, upgrading means to go up a level by removing something. It’s by choosing, and staying, being present, being concentrated. Doing one thing at the time and accepting that if I got in business with my mom it’s because I needed to be with her.

I understood and now I have no issues admitting it that the only way I had to spend time with my mom was to do something with her. My mother is not someone who can cook you a breakfast or be with you for the sake of being, she never learned that, she needs to do something and if there’s nothing to do she doesn’t see the point. So I understood that I got closer to her in order to be with her. I went to work with her to be with her. I understand this now after so many years, and I’m way more gentle with myself because I made this choice. It brings me honor as a person, that I looked for my mother’s attention even though I rejected it for so long and blamed her ‘it’s her fault that I’m in Vergiate!’

Instead today I tell myself, ‘Look at you, you became aware of the fact that you wanted to be with your mom and there’s nothing wrong about this. You chose to stay in Vergiate to be closer to your mom, and there’s nothing wrong about this. You’re not less or worse than somebody else. You could’ve had a super career and become a huge businesswoman, but the point is Paola that you didn’t give a shit about all that because what mattered to you was to be close to your mom.’ 

So I’m working a lot on this, I’m very “mom” with my mom. I mean even outside of the office, she listens to me, she looks for my advice, because she didn’t have a mom. So I’m her mom. In the office we do as I say, and if I’m not there no one takes a decision… She gets anxious, like a daughter who needs a parent’s approval.

However, it’s been a year that I acknowledged for myself that it’s not healthy for me to be the mom of everybody. Especially of my own mom. I tell her openly the same things I am telling you right now. It’s a difficult journey but luckily she is an intelligent woman, who’s been through a lot in her life. When I was in London I got her a card with an illustration of a shrimp that said ‘You’re shrimply the best mom!’ Inside I wrote to her, ‘I’m happy that we are getting to know each other from woman to woman because this will take us to another level of our relationship, to respect each other as women and not as mother and daughter. We’re two individuals, you have your needs and I have my needs and some dynamics don’t work for me and need to change. I need pure affection, I don’t want to be following you everywhere just to get your attention.’ I gave this card to her on Mother’s Day.

She showed me she understood and some things started to change, in fact we are about to go to the Caraibes together. She grew up there when she was little for 7 years and she understood that I wanted to know where she grew up, where she lived and where she got lost. I think my mom is still there. So she got a ticket for us two to go there for two weeks. 

So, working with your mom is not easy because of certain dynamics, but it’s also beautiful because you feel you have extra support, you’re not alone. It helps me to make more pondered decisions, and also take them lightheartedly because I know if she’s here all is well. We lean onto each other. 

The kindness you show to yourself is inspiring. It isn’t an easy thing, when you could’ve had the world in the palm of your hands… all the money, success, big things… Yet you had more pressing matters to your soul and you chose to follow those. You found ways to work through the anger and resentment. And now you’re proud of your choice, you’re proud of yourself. Moreover, you didn’t quit after acknowledging you stayed because you wanted to be close to your mom… and so you consciously chose to stay again. I mean Paola, in a world that runs after sparkly things, you took the uphill route making your own pathway and taking your mom with you on a love journey. And your business Il Ferrivendolo is evolving as the relationship with your mom is….

Yes we are now getting 5 new offices and more space for the work shed. On one side I see a prison, on the other side I am seeing how much my mom is happy that she now has her own office with parrots’ wallpaper and an English desk. Plus our business is twinned with my father’s business and we’re now very close, this is so important for her to have us all there… and I look at this, I look at her being in a good place … and I wonder if this is my end all. She read my anxiety and told me, ‘Paola, use your office to create your next creature, don’t look at your office as the office of Il Ferrivendolo. Your office is Paola’s office.’ And so I am now creating it the way I want it, so that it’s inspiring to me, it has my things, my visions. 

The way I am viewing this next step is: mom is good, we got there. And I am telling myself, ‘Damn Paola you’re good! Look at where you’re taking us. Rejoice, you too, of the achievement.’ See, when I went on CNN, BBC, won awards etc. I never told anyone. I didn’t grow up being praised and so I did not learn to show off or be patted on my back for anything. My achievements were taken for granted, not my family nor my boyfriends made it a big deal to celebrate any of my successes. But sometimes you have to say it! And now I tell myself ‘Damn! Paola you’re good! Damn! Paola look where you got us! Take pleasure in your moment! Take pleasure in your office! Because it’s also thanks to you that we got here!’ 

You get to a place where you realise that if you’re kind to yourself, you listen to yourself, you reward yourself and you’re gentle with the choices you made even if wrong but you understand why you made them… everything is more beautiful.
And when you take off the weight, the creative process explodes. I’m very emotional about this next step because I know that by looking at it with the right eyes it won’t look like a prison, but rather gratifying.

The links….
IL FERRIVENDOLO - iron crafswomen. Who said iron is only a men’s business?
Chef Paola - where you can find a few of the aprons too….